Unpublished Works: Election Day
Title: Election Day
Synopsis:
Citizen Sheppard is excited. He got off work a half hour early today, because it’s election day. As he walks to the polling station, media systems all around him relate the nearly-identical campaign promises of Candidate Brand Arbuckle and Candidate Brand Zucker.
Arbuckle and Zucker are obviously both photographs of the author; the only difference between them is that Arbuckle has a big “A” pasted across his forehead and Zucker has a “Z”.
CS: Oh lucky day! Work has ended thirty minutes early for the election!
CA: Everybody already knows that, you idiot. Why are you shouting?
CA: Have you decided which of the candidates you’re going to vote for?
CS: Oh no, not yet. They say that it’s bad luck to think about the issues before you reach the polling booth.
CB: Me, I am leaning a bit towards Candidate Brand Zucker.
CS: Hearing you say that makes me want to vote for Candidate Brand Arbuckle.
CA: It makes me want to knife you in the throat and then piss on your bleeding wound.
CB: So you’re an Arbuckle man, eh Alan?
CA: Hardly. Politics is totally left-handed.
“Left-handed” is used throughout the story as a dismissive epithet.
En route to the polling station, the three citizens stop to watch the televised debate. Candidate Zucker wheels out the skeleton of Big Papa, apparently a previous president who is described as just sleeping. Zucker asserts that all presidents since Big Papa have just been ruling in his place, and that Papa would be sad if he knew that for the past few years the country has been run by his enemies. Arbuckle, although obviously not a believer in the Papa mythos, is nonetheless very careful to avoid implying that Papa has snuffed it.
Both candidates promise to keep the factories running at full production and to crush protest, since neither the laws of nature nor the will of the people can be allowed to stand in the way of freedom. At one point in time, both candidates denounce bakers. Sheppard wonders about this, since his grandfather was a baker, but the other citizens convince him that bakers ought to be destroyed.
Finally, Arbuckle steals the skull of Big Papa and runs away with it, thereby winning the debate.
The three citizens start walking again. Sheppard sees some men near the water fighting a giant monster made of kelp. He says it makes him feel manly to watch his fellow citizens battling like that. None of the citizens watching do anything to aid the fishermen. Suddenly, the kelp gets the upper hand, and all of the observers are forced to run. While hiding, one of the other citizens remarks that the skies themselves have started killing people in Denmark, and that he expects the damn government to ban air next.
As they walk away, someone says that the killer kelp might be just the thing to deal with the problem of boat people from submerged countries. Sheppard decides to put the whole thing out of his mind and continues on to the polling station.
Once there, he finds that there are three choices: Brand A, Brand Z, and Death. The poll technician, wearing a mask and looking over his shoulder the whole time, explains that they added a death option to prevent people from voting randomly. If the button is pressed, an enormous shredder will descend from the ceiling and turn the citizen into prison-grade lunchmeal. Sheppard remarks that he had better be careful, then, and votes for Brand A.
The confirmation slip comes out of the machine indicating that Sheppard voted for Brand Z. The technician explains that some of the touch screens aren’t working properly, but not to worry because he’ll fix the entry before the final count. Sheppard appears to be satisfied with this. As he leaves the building, he is shocked by a terrifying scream from one of the booths. Citizen A has apparently pressed the “Death” button.
On the way home, Sheppard and Citizen B stop to pick up some savory bagels. Before they can get into the bakery, though, the building explodes. Sheppard laments the fact that he will not be able to get his treat, but at least there’s one fewer of those horrible bakers in the world.
Sheppard arrives home to his wife, who congratulates him and tells him that he’s been elected. He seems very happy with the news. The wife then leaves with her boyfriend in a gimp mask to go to the “church meeting”. Sheppard sits down at the kitchen table, alone, eating the industrial grade lunchmeal sandwich she left for him. He expresses how lucky he is to be living at the best time in the best of all imaginable worlds. The end.
I wrote this story to express certain feelings I had about modern life. Despite the political subject matter I tried to avoid including a political message; this is just pure, senseless nihilism. How artsy and self indulgent is that?
Still, I think it’s an entertaining little story. It’s got plenty of weirdness and random violence. It probably needs to be edited down a bit; I think 8 to 16 pages would be an idea length.
At first I thought I could illustrate this story in a simplistic, childlike style. Afterwards, I thought about using simple characters on top of a collage background. If anyone reading this were interested in drawing this story just let me know and it’s yours.
Yesterday I was playing around with php and the latest version of WordPress. I think I’m going to upgrade this blog using the separate threads for separate stories idea I discussed last week… I’ll let you know how that goes. Come back on Wednesday for the last few pages of Sonja Turbot.
June 1st, 2009 at 9:09 am
This appeals to my cynicism nicely. I try to be at least a little politically involved, but I didn’t vote for Obama because I thought he’d be a great president; I didn’t vote for him because I thought his opponent would die in office and leave a scary extremist in place, though that was also meaningful. I voted for Obama because his platform during the primaries involved speaking to people as though they were adults and could handle a little bad news, a little responsibility and a dash of cold water. He was willing to say what other candidates would assume would knock them out of the running. I did *not* infer this would make much difference about him as a president. I just wanted to change elections like the one above by proving there’s a market for a little refreshing honesty.
June 1st, 2009 at 11:45 am
Gosh, with a comic like that, I was expecting to see Live Journal somewhere in the URL.
June 1st, 2009 at 10:30 pm
There may be a joke in that which I don’t understand.
June 3rd, 2009 at 2:19 am
I assume it has something to do with the- shall we say- tone of the piece.
June 3rd, 2009 at 5:02 am
Nihilism and Live Journal go together like peanut butter and jelly. One is never far from the other.
June 3rd, 2009 at 7:15 am
If I were to develop this story farther, I think I’d do well by playing up the absurdist elements as much as possible. Nihilism may be all well and good, but let’s be honest- it’s the kelp monster that packs the bleachers.
June 3rd, 2009 at 1:19 pm
To be fair, Sonja Turbot is pretty nihilist too, but in more of an art house style instead of th break-you-over-the-head LJ style.