Unpublished Works: Guelph Erroneous, A Question of Philosophy
Guelph comes to Athens for the annual philosophy event. At the gate he’s asked whether he’s a philosopher, a prophet, or a looney. Because of the sock on his hand, the registrar thinks Guelph must be a looney; Guelph claims that the puppet is an old family friend. He then uses the “Time for theists of good faith to abandon their gods” argument to convince the registrar that he’s a prophet, but is instead marked down as a philosopher.
At the philosophy site Guelph stares wistfully at the prophet site, where snake handling and other dangerous activities are taking place. He has a table labeled “Philosophy, 5 cents”. A message arrives through a croissant. Guelph is told to meet a representative of the divine at the temple on the hill at exactly midnight. He is ordered to bring breadsticks. While conversing with the divine, Guelph eats part of the croissant.
Guelph meets a group of philosophers who question whether he should be with the lunatics. Guelph tells them that he’s technically an idiot, but he’s been zoned as a philosopher. The senior philosopher, Propagnosia, teaches his student, Acer Saccharum, about the treachery of our senses. Guelph asks if that’s anything like holding up a hat and then saying, this is not a hat. The example of the two lines of equal length may come up. Then they play Philosopher’s Poker.
At midnight Guelph goes to meet Topol (god of village idiots and quite likely the supreme deity), whose current appearance is as a hippie-looking woman with a chandelier on her head. He is informed that Mount Olympus Control Center has ordered a Golden Apple Attack against one of the philosophers here. Guelph must learn who this philosopher is, then protect him from a triumvirate of goddesses. When asked what the consequences of losing this philosopher will be, Guelph is informed that once more it will mean the end of the world.
The next day at the philosophy site, Guelph expounds his theory of inertia. He holds a Socratic dialog with Boffo on the benefits of sleeping in and doing nothing. Acer, watching all this, contradicts Guelph with a point agreed upon the previous day (the good enough principle). Just then it begins to rain flaming frogs. Apocalyptic weather.
Guelph helps get the philosophers to safety. He is thrust once more into danger when he rushes out to rescue a pair of twins and their pet puppy. While he’s gone, the philosophers are threatened by a gigantic flaming frog which burrows up from the floor. When Guelph returns from saving the children he finds that Acer defeated the frog by asking it questions (just like Socrates!). Propagnosia thinks this shows what a good teacher he is. Guelph thinks it means that Acer is the targeted philosopher, since the powers that be usually give out “one freebie”.
Guelph takes Acer aside to tell him what’s happening. Three goddesses are coming to seduce him, but this is a bad thing. The goddess who first takes Acer will claim him as her own, then the other two will destroy him from jealousy. The curse of Paris is mentioned: not only was his home city destroyed, his name was fated to be applied to a series of bimbos unto the end of time. Guelph explains that if anything happens to Acer the world will most likely end, and the flaming frogs today were a symptom of the end of the world rather than a portent of it. At the end of the explanation Guelph laughs; Acer momentarily thinks Guelph was just joking, but Guelph tells him that he finds the end of the world funny.
Back with the philosophers, a beautiful black woman with glasses has shown up. She appears to be an expert in philosophy, and seductively asks who the best debater among them is. Propagnosia, still feeling pumped from the episode of the frogs, claims that it’s him. The woman and Propagnosia go off to explore the nature of the apeiron and the peiron. Guelph and Acer come back; Acer looks stressed. The other philosophers tell them that they’re getting together later tonight at a certain bar.
That night at the bar, Propagnosia is all aglow. He reveals that he spent some time with a lady, and that she was “nearly like a goddess of love”. Guelph is introduced to Pyrrho of Elis. Pyrrho says “I don’t believe we’ve been introduced”, and Guelph says “No, you wouldn’t, would you?”
Hera arrives from Olympus and assumes a disguise. She asks Guelph if he knows where to find a philosopher named Acer Saccharum; Guelph points out a certain man. A moment later Acer arrives and asks Guelph who he was talking to; we learn that Guelph had actually pointed Hera to Propagnosia. Propagnosia and Hera-in-disguise go off to discuss a supposed book deal.
The next morning, Guelph encounters Aphrodite in the market place. She reveals that she knows Propagnosia was the wrong philosopher, but that she’s willing to sleep with every last one of them until she gets the one she wants. The two warn each other to stay away from Acer. Before she disappears Aphrodite calls out to Hera, pointing out Guelph’s location.
Hera demands to know how Guelph knew it was her last night. Guelph says that he didn’t, he just sent everyone who was looking for Acer to Propagnosia instead. Upon learning that Hera spent the night with Propagnosia Guelph cracks up laughing. She blames him for deceiving her; Guelph blames Hera for not even asking Propagnosia his name before sleeping with him. Hera threatens to destroy Guelph outright but relents when she is out-argued. As she disappears she tells Guelph to keep the secret that she has “a soft spot for midgets”. After she’s gone, Guelph nearly faints because he really expected her to kill him.
Guelph encounters Acer, who has just picked up something for breakfast.. The two of them walk to the philosophy area together. Acer asks Guelph why he is so important; Guelph admits that he doesn’t know. Maybe Acer is meant to develop a philosophy that will unite the nations. Maybe he’s due to be hit and killed by a chariot that otherwise would have struck someone else.
When they arrive at the zone, Propagnosia is telling a story about his encounter with a spirit the night before. The old man he had gone to speak with suddenly changed into a young, beautiful woman and ravished him. Although this woman wasn’t as beautiful as the one from earlier, she “seemed very earnest”. The other philosophers accuse Propagnosia of having been drunk.
Guelph is looking for the third goddess. He finds that she is Athena; this causes him to giggle uncontrollably. Athena is not at all amused, and tells Guelph “I don’t know what you’ve been told about my personal life but none of that is true”. Guelph convinces Athena to accept a challenge: if he can perform an impossible act, she’ll leave Acer alone. If he fails, he will stop interfering and possibly suffer a megaviolent death. They agree that the definition of impossible is an event with no chance of happening.
Guelph walks to a sporting goods seller and asks to test his equipment. Taking a dartboard, Guelph throws a dart and hits the board outside of the scoring circle. He then claims victory. Athena is confused; taking a slate and chalk from the Pythagorean who was watching, Guelph proves that the probability of hitting any particular point on the dart board is 0. Because they did not agree beforehand on the specific impossible task Guelph was supposed to do, he wins the contest. A distraught Athena is comforted by Propagnosia, who has no idea of her true identity.
The philosophers discuss the strange weather of the past few days. Acer becomes increasingly anxious because it all seems to reinforce the idea that the world is ending. When Guelph arrives he demands to know how much longer this will go on; Guelph tells Acer that he got a secret message from a donut telling him that the key event will be happening tonight. Acer says that he has many more questions for the divine but Guelph reveals that he ate the donut.
Boffo and Guelph discuss the mission. Boffo thinks it would help to cut off Acer’s arms and legs and carry him around in a backpack; that way, Guelph could be watching him all the time. Guelph dismisses this idea by pointing out that even without legs Acer would be taller than he is. When Acer returns, Guelph asks if there was any incident in the bathroom. Acer says that the washbasin was full of newts but Guelph says that’s pretty standard for a downtown restroom.
That night the philosophy awards are held. Propagnosia, who was supposed to present the keynote address, has gone missing. Guelph is more concerned with the ghostly apparitions of ring-tailed lemurs that have been rising out of the ground. Knowing that Acer is feeling nervous and might wig out, Guelph tries to keep the rising strangeness a secret from him.
The other philosophers decide that as Propagnosia’s student, Acer should deliver the address. Guelph pushes him to accept, saying this could be the thing that saves the world. Guelph hands Acer a fish to hold for good luck and makes him swear to not let it go. As Acer is taken off for hair and makeup, Guelph does battle with the cute fluffy lemurs of the underworld.
Hera and Aphrodite appear, intending to take Acer by force and not really caring how many casualties their battle causes. The philosophers, not knowing who they are but assuming them to be Acer’s mother and girlfriend, convince the two goddesses to delay their fight until after his speech. Something bad should happen to Pyrrho of Elis here but I haven’t yet decided what.
Guelph arrives back after having been savaged by lemurs, He reveals to one of the philosophers that the wine in the reception hall has changed to blood and the massive tentacles of an eldritch thing have erupted from the ground outside the front door. The philosopher remarks that it’s so difficult to find a good convention center within their budget.
Acer comes out to make his speech. He looks at the mass of people assembled. We see close ups of Hera, Aphrodite, and some of the philosophers. The last close up is of Guelph, who indicates that this is the moment of destiny. Acer opens his mouth to speak. He manages to get out the word “I”, when all of a sudden he’s struck by a flying fish that came out of nowhere.
The audience erupts into laughter. Hera is enraged; Aphrodite is unimpressed. Guelph says, “so the great wheel of existence keeps turning”.
Following the ceremony Propagnosia arrives. He apologizes for being late, but tells Acer that he did a fantastic job with the speech. Acer protests that he didn’t get to make the speech, but Propagnosia tells him that he was brave to try, and cut such a dashing figure in the moment right before the fish struck that none of the other philosophers would remember that no speech had been made.
Just then Aphrodite and Hera appear, revealing their divine nature. All the people in the hall cower except for Epicurus, who doesn’t believe in gods (alternate joke: “Epicurus, get down!” “But I want to see what happens!”). Even though neither one of them got Acer, the two goddesses say they can salvage the day with a bit of divine wrath. They are about to strike down Propagnosia when they are hit by a mystic bolt; it is Athena, who orders the other two goddesses to step away from her fiancée.
Propagnosia and Athena explain that after they met earlier today, they went to a café and talked. Just talked. They realized they were philosophically compatible. As the mortal philosophers congratulate Propagnosia on his engagement, Guelph asks Athena if she’s fully thought through marrying a mortal. Atena replies that she’s got a few decades of free time. Hera and Aphrodite, unwilling to attack someone who is “almost family”, head back to Mount Olympus.
The next morning Acer and Guelph sit on the side of the hill. Acer wonders where the fish came from, and Guelph explains that the divine works in mysterious ways. Guelph then reveals that by being hit by a fish, Acer has presumably pushed back the end of the world by five months or so. Acer is surprised by this, but Guelph tells him that saving the world is a process rather than a goal. The world needs constant tending; let it go for one moment and it could all slip away. In the end Acer returns to his studies and Guelph heads out to locate the next threat.
I’ve decided to only run two updates of Mischa’s Story a week for the length of the summer vacation. On Fridays I’ll run treatments, scripts, and short subjects instead. There are several reasons for this decision: I want to keep the quality of the updates high, I need to catch up on my other projects (particularly GearHeads 1 and 2), and I’d like to get in more writing practice. I’m also hoping to start collaborating with outside artists on a more regular basis (note that the “Draw for me” offer above is still standing).
Guelph Erroneous was the star of my first ever minicomic. I’ve been hoping to revive the character, and I think this is a pretty decent plot, but it’s been put on hold because I don’t like the sexual dynamics of it. The protagonists are all men, the antagonists all women, and there’s a pretty thick line between them. It sets up a “self/other” dynamic that I don’t care for. One idea I had to get around this was to change Acer’s character to a woman.
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